Crutch This!

I have learned a few things about crutches this week and thought I would share them in the event you find yourselves in the unfortunate condition of needing them.

Things you CAN do:

1. Use it as a door stopper to stop an automatic door from closing on you while you're attempting to crutch through it. You may then use it to whack the rude person in front of you that did not hold the door in the first place.

2. You can stop one of the Things dead in their tracks while they're whizzing by. Simply raise it like a gate and watch them flip over it. Only then do you have their attention.

3. You can hurl it like a javelin to get your children's attention after you have exhausted blowing your whistle a million times.

Things you CANNOT do:

1. You cannot flush a toilet. I mean, you can, but just be sure to push the handle gently or it will break off the toilet. Ooops.

2. You cannot slow a ceiling fan. Unless you have incredible upper body strength and can withstand the noise.

3. You cannot scoot a load of laundry down the hall. You'll just get tangled up and end up as part of the load.

4. You cannot wear a low cut tank top while using crutches unless you want to show off your girls. Crutches pucker your shirt up in the front making all that's inside a peep show.

5. You cannot have sex standing up. I'm serious about this one.

If you have experience in this area, feel free to add to my list. It's our duty to prepare all future gimps.